If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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