Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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