I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
