they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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