So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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