im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
