I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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