I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
