I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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