The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Randomize