If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
