My sheets look like a crime scene.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
