dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
