My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
