I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
