I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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