Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize