I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize