Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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