I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My day in three words: secret purse cake
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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