so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
