Capitaan dildo arrescate!
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
