I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize