I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
