My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
