Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize