Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize