Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
