More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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