he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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