when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
