If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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