Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
