I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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