He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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