What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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