A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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