So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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