My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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