Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
