Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Someone shit on the floor
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
