I'm going to jail i love you
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
