I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
