My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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