I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
