I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
