If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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