My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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