what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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