did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
