Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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