I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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