Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
