Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize