i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
