maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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