I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
