i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I have aggressive nipples.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
