how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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