I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
