The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
