Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
