I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
