he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
