im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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