Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She needs sedatives and a leash
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
