Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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